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My Song of Grace
March 10, 2023
It’s difficult to articulate the weight of what I’ve been walking through over the last few years. And yet in the heaviness and weightiness of it all, God has been nearer to me than I could ever express. I’ve been abundantly sustained to such a great degree that there is truly no explanation other than the divine hand of God carrying me day by day. Despite the difficult aspects of my journey, I’ve still been bountifully blessed and the joys of life still encircle me.
I moved to Orlando, FL with my husband in spring of 2021, and although it was a whirlwind getting moved and transitioned, it was such an exciting time for us. Graham graduated medical school and a brand new chapter began. Up to this point, I’d battled 4 years of physical pain, having seen doctors, multiple physical therapists, a chiropractor, and an acupuncturist. What started as a suspected work-related injury evolved into something more complex, but I finally made considerable improvement in early 2021 and felt the best I had in years. During Graham’s application & interview process for residency, I found myself gloriously anticipating what God had for us next. I read “The Prayer of Jabez” by Bruce Wilkinson and prayed that prayer over and over, along with so many others, with great enthusiasm. I felt like we were on the mountaintop and I worshipped the Lord for all He was doing. We visited the cities of our favorite residency programs and Orlando blew us away, to our surprise. On our first visit to explore, Graham was glowing, the sun was shining, and I had this peace and envisioned this being our home. It seemed to be where God was leading us and we prayed for His provision within His will for our lives. We cheered when Graham matched into Orlando Health’s residency program, so thankful He answered the way we’d hoped. God proceeded to bless us left and right, with a travel nursing position for me, a lovely home in a great area, a great church close by, and new friends. The goodness and sweetness of this time was honey to my soul.
Not only did everything fall into place so smoothly with the transition of moving and settling in, the gratitude I danced in had deeper implications. It seemed I had reached deliverance from my physical trials and had stepped into new territory where pain and physical distress would no longer hold me down. I was sure that season of my life was behind me because God had so much for me to do here, I thought. He impressed more dreams on my heart in the early months of living in our new city and I prayed with a boldness in my spirit.
I have loved music for as long as I can remember. My mom and I discussed me taking piano lessons growing up but I ended up pursuing other things. When I made it to 9th grade, I had the option of choosing an elective for the year, and was thrilled that choir was one of my choices. I remember the excitement and that first encounter singing with a group brought me more joy than anything else I’d ever done in my life. I finally found my niche. I continued singing throughout high school and college and loved every moment. It was my escape, my happy place, and I made lifelong friends along the way. Aside from my chorale music, I listened to a variety of genres of music and was exposed to contemporary Christian music through my church’s youth ministry and Christian radio. There came a time, especially on my commutes to and from school, when I exclusively listened to worship music. My soul thirsted for it because the lyrics ministered to and encouraged me, so I regularly returned to this well for a drink. I loved being drawn into a spirit of praise and it deepened my prayer life as I sang and meditated on what is true. I felt closest to the Lord through music and to this day it has always been that way for me. I’ve often told people that for me, music is the closest thing to Heaven. Unfortunately, my schedule became all-consuming when I began nursing school in 2014 and my choir days were suddenly over, but my love for music would remain.
When I graduated nursing school in 2016, my thoughtful parents bought me a brand new, beautiful Yamaha keyboard, but for years it sat in my house unplayed. My life felt loaded between full-time work as a nurse and its accompanying stress, caring for our home, supporting my husband through medical school, and my pain challenges. In early 2020 however, the global pandemic allowed me additional time at home and I finally started teaching myself to play piano using an adult beginner booklet. It was such a refreshing delight for me. Not long after I’d begun learning and practicing though, I experienced such severe pain in my hands and wrists that I couldn’t cut an onion, type at work, or brush my hair without considerable pain. I figured it was my technique, my posture, my lack of a physical instructor, etc. I couldn’t afford piano lessons at the time, and although I sought online instruction on proper technique and form and did exercises to prevent this pain from occurring, I didn’t make any progress. I remember the devastation I felt vividly. I had already been dealing with pain at this point but I didn’t realize how widespread the dysfunction in my body really was. I’ll never forget a particular physical therapist I met that told me I had muscle knots going all the way down my spine and muscle tension all over. We couldn’t understand how I ended up here as a young, healthy twenty-something. One day, I prayed to God and made a deal with him, so to speak. I told Him if He healed me, I would seek learning to play again & would play and sing for His glory as that was my heart’s desire. This prayer left the forefront of my mind as life went on.
I hadn’t ever really considered singing with a church worship team because I was much too shy and never believed in myself enough for something like that. Despite singing my heart out in my choir days, I didn’t ever feel comfortable singing alone in front of my family even. In spite of that, I sang one solo in high school as part of a choir event and it was terrifying for me. To my surprise, I received positive feedback, but I still questioned myself. In choir I felt “safe” because I could hide my voice in a sea of voices to make one pure sound, and as much as I loved and cherished that, choral music truly wasn’t my passion. My passion was worship music. At some point, my husband took note of my voice as he heard me sing next to him at church and in the shower regularly, and his compliments over the years started to boost my confidence little by little.
When we were in the process of moving to Orlando, and shortly after, God started stirring in my heart this new desire to be involved in worship. In recent years I’d developed a deeper longing to help lead others to really experience Jesus. I wanted others to truly taste and see that He is good and know that in Him alone can we find lasting peace, joy, hope, and fulfillment. I felt called to minister to aching, broken, hungry souls and I hoped that music would be one of the avenues where God would use me. I recalled my prayer “deal” in 2020, overwhelmed at all the Lord was doing. I contemplated singing with a worship team after all, as terrifying as that thought still was. Now that I thought my healing had finally come, it was my time to respond to the nudge I’d felt from the Lord. On a flight by myself to Orlando, God positioned me right next to this amazing woman of God who would bless me so much. (Don’t you love how He does that?) Her initial compliment of my suitcase led to a deep conversation about the goodness of God in both of our lives. I discovered her life’s work was prayer ministry and was so in awe of her story and her calling. The overflow of present joy in my own life poured out as we exchanged stories. I shared with her that God had impressed on my heart this longing to sing in worship but that I felt so hindered by fear, doubt, inadequacy, and insecurity. In the middle of the airplane, this woman I’d just met layed her hands on me and began praying. I was in tears. She prayed for an anointing from the Lord over me and that I would sing for Him. Wow. In the first months of living in my new city, I was reminded repeatedly that the passions God individually places on our hearts are not by mistake.
Graham and I started visiting a church close to our home and I was once again astounded at the Lord’s provision in that. If I was to consider this pursuit of singing, the only way I could imagine facing my fear would be in a small congregation, and this was it. But as life would have it, my health quickly took a turn for the worse in October of 2021 after getting sick with Covid. I left my temporary season on the mountaintop and I was back in the valley. Between that and reasons out of my control, I didn’t sing with my church for quite some time, although I wanted to.
This time my physical battle was different. Before, my pains had primarily been musculoskeletal. Now, my pains were more widespread and I was just sickly in general. I suddenly couldn’t tolerate a long list of foods I’d eaten my whole life. Almost every time I ate, I would develop a storm of inflammatory symptoms including widespread muscle aches, joint pains, headaches, and serious abdominal distress. Honestly, I was surprised to be in the fire again, and this time the furnace was hotter. You can imagine I asked God, why? My doctors seemed entirely unaware of what could be wrong and I often felt misunderstood and dismissed. Those who genuinely tried to help me, still couldn’t find hard answers or explanations. After 6 months, I finally got a diagnosis of SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) but my “specialist” was severely ill-equipped at treating and managing it. I learned it’s incredibly difficult to treat and eradicate in general. To this day I am still not free of it. I loved my job but working full-time along with continually feeling sick was seriously wearing on me. On some very cloudy days, I felt so broken, lost, and confused; I pleaded with God to take the suffering from me and thought about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. (Matt 26:36-39) Although my battle carried on, He never ceased to supply the help, strength and encouragement I needed.
I was reminded on many occasions of the apostle Paul’s plea to be free of his thorn, and God’s response. “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9) My daily testimony was that God’s immeasurable grace carried and sustained me. There were countless days where I had no idea how I would make it, and He never failed me. Not once. This was living evidence that He was and is for me, not against me. What I wouldn’t change about my story is how God used my perpetual weakness and these low points in my life to teach me deep dependence on Him and His supernatural power and provision.
I finally made progress with my symptoms after 9 months of aggressive treatment that I had to figure out on my own, only to discover I still had other mysterious pelvic pains lingering despite the improvement I made with my gut. After tracking my symptoms, I discovered a correlation with my monthly cycles. I suspected endometriosis as did my doctor and we decided to pursue diagnostic laparoscopic surgery as that’s the only definitive way to diagnose it and all my other imaging and labs always came back normal. During this time I got an invitation to sing one Sunday at my church. What I’d been praying about for over a year would finally begin. I didn’t feel my best but since I had made improvement, I thought, why not? I sang a few Sundays and although it may seem small and insignificant, it was a huge step for me. It reminded me that God does hear our prayers and He is working while we wait.
Sometime in early fall of 2022, I met this joyous, incredibly kind patient shortly before she discharged from the hospital. I wasn’t her primary nurse for the day but I came to help her get ready to go home. I asked her name, and she told me it was Melody. I gushed at how beautiful her name was. During my 10 minutes with her, I didn’t reveal any outward sign of being down or distraught in any way, but she asked me if I needed prayer about anything so I briefly shared with her about my ongoing health challenges. She said she’d only felt this leading by the Holy Spirit a few times in her life, but she wanted to pray over me, and she did. Again, I had tears streaming down my face. The Lord is seriously so kind to me, I don’t even have words to express it. I couldn’t get our interaction or her name out of my mind for weeks.
Although Graham and I didn’t have our immediate sights set on starting a family yet, I began praying more for my fertility and that the Lord would my bless my womb. I have always wanted a daughter and in my prayers I asked the Lord for both a son and a daughter but I especially prayed that He would grant me the honor of mothering a baby girl. I pondered how amazing it would be for God to give me the blessing of a baby as a gift after all I’d suffered through for so long and as part of my greater story of healing and deliverance. I envisioned a baby girl, and although I’ve had baby name ideas picked out for years, this new name He’d planted on my heart had such great meaning. I have long considered the name Grace as a middle name for a girl as the overflowing grace of God is the reason I was so drawn to Him in my teen years, leading to a transformation in me and my life. His grace is also the reason I have abundant joy and peace despite my earthly trials. If He gave me a little girl first, it would be so meaningful to me, because she could be my “Song of Grace” after such a puzzling, wearisome, pain-ridden 6 years.
In the midst of the fire, my heart’s desire to sing and to play music for the Lord lingered, and this new name I loved seemed to fit with the story God was writing. I endlessly cried out for healing leading up to my planned surgery at the end of the year, and was (as I always have been) surrounded by the constant outpouring of love, encouragement, and prayers of petition from my family and friends. Hallelujah. One specific prayer of mine was that He would immerse me in His healing waters that I might be set free. I imagined myself stuck in a cocoon and at the proper time, in the Lord’s kindness, He would allow me to emerge as this beautiful, healed, whole butterfly that was more thoroughly prepared to reflect and glorify His Name.
October of 2022, I had an exceptionally sweet few days with the Lord and with my husband on a weekend retreat to Sarasota, FL. The next few months would be intensive for Graham with residency, and my surgery was coming in December, so this little bit of time was valuable. Life had been quite a rollercoaster but on this weekend, I had a notably full and expectant joy of what the Lord had planned for Graham and I, and I prayed while we were there with great anticipation.
Weeks later we would discover that God had intervened in our lives in a big, marvelous way. I was completely stunned when I found out we were actually expecting a baby… exceeding praise filled my mouth upon seeing that positive test result. Our plan was to pursue surgery as our next step towards my healing and God’s plan was entirely different than what we could have ever anticipated.
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Prov 19:21)
I couldn’t have been happier. Around the time of the baby’s estimated due date, Graham and I would be celebrating 7 years of marriage together. We were both overjoyed. Leading up to this new pregnancy, I’d been struggling but my pains weren’t as overwhelming as in the first half of the year. Weeks after finding out the news, my symptoms and pains returned yet again with such intensity that I couldn’t hardly function at home and wasn’t able to work for a time. It was like a scary dream. Dark clouds hovered over me and I felt suffocated by it all. It legitimately felt like a spiritual attack from the enemy. Regardless, baby was miraculously doing ok and God graciously provided that I could work less and focus on my health.
I’ll never forget this moment after our first 9 week appointment with my OB. Graham and I drove separately because he had to work, but we rejoiced because even though I’d felt awful leading up to this, “Baby K” was healthy and right on track, and that news combined with our joy completely outweighed the darkness that had been surrounding me. I was so giddy with delight that day. I turned my worship playlist on before driving home and hit play. I heard,
“I raise a hallelujah
In the presence of my enemy”
This is the first line to the song, Raise A Hallelujah, originally by Bethel Music. I was listening to the version by Caleb and Kelsey Grimm on their 2022 album, Goodness of God. Just in those two lines…I felt empowered in my joy against the attacks of the enemy. I couldn’t help but hold this blessing in his face and basically say, take that! No amount of affliction could stand in the way of God’s beautiful, divine plan for my life. Graham and I shared our surprise with our families at Christmastime and it was so sweet for all of us. I slowly began to have some relief from my symptoms after seeking help. After our next OB appointment, we began wondering more about the gender and awaited results from a blood test I had. We agreed that we would be sincerely thrilled with God’s choice. After my blood test, I was at home preparing a meal when the song, Raise a Hallelujah, filled my ears again. This time the next few lines jumped out at me and they are,
“I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody”
Wow. My song, my melody of praise to God is my weapon against the enemy. In all my adversary’s efforts to discourage me, halt my pursuits to worship, and steal my joy, I could still sing. In that moment, after hearing the name again in the song, I prayed and wondered if I was carrying a girl. I couldn’t help but think the name He’d given me was “for such a time as this.” I let my husband find out the gender first because I wanted him to surprise me in his own special way. I soon discovered my dream was a reality.
We can’t wait to meet you,
Melody Grace Kirchner
You, my darling, are my song of grace.
Melody: song, tune
Grace: the undeserved, unmerited favor, kindness, and blessing of God
I once read a touching story about a songbird suffering an injury that prevented it from being able to fly. A woman found the bird lying in the middle of a road unable to move, had compassion on it and did all she could to nurse it back to health. Even though the bird had a broken bone and was obviously in pain, she said the bird would still sing it’s beautiful tunes. She wrote, “I share this experience with you because this little bird reminded me that we can still sing even when we are struggling. When we are struggling and in pain, we can still make a difference. On a day when I was struggling with some pretty heavy things, he reminded me to…sing!” This spoke volumes to my heart and inspired me. If that little bird can sing through its pain, then so can I. Even if my ultimate healing doesn’t come now, or in the next year, I still have a reason to sing. I believe my healing is coming in Jesus Name, but I don’t have to wait for it’s complete fulfillment in order to rejoice and worship God now.
My newest reason to sing will be a continual reminder of that. Thank you, Melody.
Thank you, Jesus. You are faithful to the end. My confidence and assurance are in You alone. Graham and I look forward to all that is to come.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:2-4, 12
“..to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:2-3
“Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” James 5:10-11
“Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God. I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”
Psalms 31:3, 5, 7-10, 14-16, 19, 24
“I Raise a Hallelujah”